


The Time Lance McClain Almost DIED (but Didn't)

by fishvaping



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bisexual Lance (Voltron), Blow Jobs, Comedy, Crack, Cuban Lance (Voltron), Fluff, Gay Keith (Voltron), Hand Jobs, Humor, Hunk & Lance (Voltron) Friendship, I Will Go Down With This Ship, Inspired by Fanart, Inspired by Twitter, Kinda, Lance (Voltron)-centric, Like, M/M, Oops, Pidge is a gremlin, Sad, Shiro and Keith are brothers, Smut, Texting, Twitter, broganes, but not really, crackfic, hunk is done with lances shit, i dunno what else to add, i was uncomfortable writing the smut part, it was gross, it was supposed to be a crackfic, klance, lance is overdramatic, ligma but instead its fugma, like hes mentioned for one second, like really uncomfortable, lol, minor shiro - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-31
Updated: 2018-07-31
Packaged: 2019-06-19 07:25:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15505320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fishvaping/pseuds/fishvaping
Summary: “Well, Keith, I don’t want you to take any offense to this but I guessyoutechnically are what got me here.”Keith furrowed his eyebrows, looking at Lance as if he’d just said the dumbest shit ever. Lance was pretty used to Keith looking at him like that, but this time it made Lance feel small and sheepish. “Me?” Keith asked incredulously, “How? Was last nightthatbad?”-Lance finally gets to hook up with the guy he's been crushing on since high school, but after a questionably fortunate event, he's sent to the emergency room.





	The Time Lance McClain Almost DIED (but Didn't)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [eyesonchoi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/eyesonchoi/gifts).



> this was supposed to be a crack fic but then i got a little too invested in it?? and then i wanted to trash it but i didnt because unlike lance im not a weak bitch
> 
> anyway this dumb fic took way longer than necessary to write AND in a way it made me realize how disgusted i am by penises, i cried and almost while researching stupid garbage for the smut part hahaaaa
> 
> also fair warning theres a part that i regret adding but didnt bother deleted lol watch out 4 that hope u guys enjoy yeehaw!!
> 
> ps pls ignore any typos i worked hard to edit but not really since its one in the morning

Lance couldn’t believe what was happening; and neither could Twitter, apparently.

 

It all began two days prior, when Lance had “accidentally” sent a series of provocative photos to his long time crush and ex-rival, Keith. He told Keith it was a mistake and the pictures were meant for someone else, hoping for some sort of covetous response and perhaps something equally—if not more—provocative in return if he got lucky. Instead, though, Keith’s response was full of confusion and Lance had to explain that it wasn’t actually a mistake and that he made that part up in hopes of making Keith jealous. Keith, however, only became more confused and questioned Lance further which lead to a very embarrassing conversation. Luckily for Lance, Keith _finally_ caught on and actually began flirting with Lance.

 

They spent the remainder of that night flirting back and forth, up until Lance fell asleep; which was apparently a bad idea because about five minutes later Keith suggested they facetime and added a winky face. A _winky face_ ! Lance had never regretted going to sleep more than he did in that moment—except for maybe that time when he was seven and accidentally fell asleep while waiting for Santa to show up. The next morning, a very panicked Lance apologized to Keith for disappearing and explained that he'd fallen asleep, adding that he'd _never_ ignore someone as beautiful as Keith.

 

It took a while for Keith to reply, which may or may not have led Lance to think that Keith was embarrassed about the previous night and decided to never talk to Lance again. That was proven to be wrong, though, when Keith replied and told him that he figured that was the case. Lance was about as relieved as a fifteen year old girl finding out her crush was willing to go to the Sadie Hawkins Dance with her.

 

After that, the two were back on their bullshit. The rest of their day was spent with them flirting back and forth, save for when Keith had to go to work (the tea is that Keith got yelled at three times by his manager for being on his phone, but this is told in Lance’s perspective and he doesn’t know that). In the moments that they weren’t talking and Lance wasn’t screaming about what was happening to his very, very annoyed—and slightly grossed out—friends, he’d read through their messages and debate shooting his shot. Not that he hadn’t already, but like _really_ shoot his shot and invite Keith over or something… maybe even suck his dick a little if he got lucky.

 

Lance heard his phone go off and immediately reached for it. He realized he probably seemed really desperate as soon as he did it, but he didn’t really care. No one saw him, it didn’t matter. Just as Lance had expected, the text was from Keith and what it said had made Lance’s breath hitch and his heart race.

 

_Do you want to come over to my place?_

 

Lance felt his face burning and he read the text over a few more times than he needed to, trying to think of how to reply. Not that he was ambivalent about whether or not he wanted to go, he definitely wanted to, he just didn’t know how to reply. Thus, in hopes that his friends would be helpful for once, he took a screenshot of the message and sent it to their group chat.

 

**_LanceyLance:_ ** _???_

 

**_Gremlin:_ ** _big dick energy_

 

**_LanceyLance:_ ** _shut UP pidge youre not helpifn_

 

**_Gremlin:_ ** _lmao just say yes dumbass_

 

**_Gremlin:_ ** _OR act coy, maybe he’ll like tht idk_

 

**_Hunk:_ ** _Pidge aren’t you and Keith like?? Childhood friends??_

 

**_Gremlin:_ ** _uhh yeah but that doesn’t mean i know what hes sexually into_

 

**_LanceyLance:_ ** _neither of you are helpful ;(_

 

**_Gremlin:_ ** _i gave you two suggestions quit bitching and reply to him_

 

**_Hunk:_ ** _Omg just say yes, Lance, if you keep him waiting he’s gonna change his mind and you’re gonna have to invite him to our apartment and I won’t be able to stomach your guys awful flirting_

 

Lance gasped, staring at his phone as if it had called his mom a fat cow. He sent a keyboard smash in reply before reopening his text messages with Keith. He thought for a few more moments on how to reply, before finally settling on something he decided was really creative:

 

_sure_

 

Keith’s reply came in only a matter of seconds.

 

_You know where I live, right?_

 

_yeah, ill be there soon ;)_

 

Lance turned his phone off as soon as the message sent, getting ready as quickly as he could. He was excited, and part of him couldn’t believe this was happening. Lance had liked Keith for a long, long time. They’d met in middle school and Lance had decided to start a “rivalry” with Keith. It wasn’t really a rivalry, though, it was mostly just them fighting and arguing constantly. In high school they developed a friendship and halfway through sophomore year Lance’s feelings for Keith changed from him thinking he was his annoying friend to thinking he was his _hot_  annoying friend and things grew from there. It probably didn’t help that a when they got to college Keith became, like, eight hundred times hotter.

  


By the time Lance arrived at Keith’s apartment, Lance’s heart was beating so erratically that Keith could probably hear it through his front door. He knocked on the door and it swung open almost immediately, revealing a grinning Keith with mussed up hair, wearing sweatpants and a shirt that was a little too tight for Lance’s sanity, who was suddenly reverted back to being a hormonal teenager. Lance wasn’t going to let that ruin anything for him though; he knew how to be confident, he was lame but not  _that_ lame.

 

“Hey,” Keith greeted, stepping aside so as to allow Lance to step inside.

 

“Hey yourself,” Lance replied, grinning right back at Keith and keeping his voice silky smooth as he walked into the man’s apartment.

 

The visit started out as something casual, something similar to any visit he’d have with, say, Hunk or Pidge. After about thirty minutes, though, Lance was tired of the casualness between them. He didn’t spend an hour taking risque pictures of himself and then explaining why he sent them for _this_. So Lance took matters into his own slightly sweaty hands.

 

Once there was a gap in the conversation, Lance shifted so that he'd be sitting closer to Keith and ran a hand through his mullet that should have been ugly but somehow looked good on him. He wasn't sure how Keith would react to that, but it usually worked on girls—then again, Keith wasn’t a girl so he could only hope Keith would like it. “You look really good,” Lance told him, “Like really,  _really_  good.”

 

Apparently Lance’s luck had yet to wear out, because the compliment made Keith smile. “You don’t look too bad yourself, Lance,” he replied. His voice was low and smooth; it was like music to Lance’s ears— _especially_ when Keith said his name. Lance could have nutted right then and there.

 

He didn’t, though. He wasn’t a weak bitch. Actually, maybe he was. Keith, whose hand Lance hadn't even noticed, gave his thigh a gentle squeeze and Lance was sent into overdrive. This was slowly becoming one of his wet dreams, except it wasn’t a dream. It was a wet reality.

 

Lance could feel his dick getting hard and his face heating up and while he may have turned out to be a weak bitch, he most certainly was not going to let Keith take control of this entire situation. Thus, Lance looked down at Keith’s hand, which was now rubbing soft circles on Lance’s inner thigh, and asked:

 

“Oh, Keith, shouldn’t you at least buy me dinner first?” He kept his voice silky, just as he had when he'd first arrived, and he leaned in a little closer to Keith.

 

At that, Keith’s smile turned into something short of a lazy grin; one that Lance wished he could take a picture of. “Don’t be so coy, Lance. I’m pretty sure _you_ skipped over that step when you were sending me all of those pictures of yourself last night,” he replied. “You know, the ones that you pretended were for someone else just to make me jealous?”

 

Lance scoffed, “That was completely unnecessary.”

 

“So were those photos. If you wanted something from me, you could have just asked.” Keith purred. His nose was just barely touching Lance’s, and Lance swore he saw Keith’s gaze flicker to his lips.

 

“Really? Would you do something if I asked you to now?” Lance asked, praying that his voice wouldn't give out on him and make it sound like he was thirteen again. When Keith nodded, Lance decided it was now or never. He mustered up all of his confidence, which wasn't that hard, and demanded, “Kiss me.”

 

Keith’s reaction to Lance was as wonderful as he hoped it’d be. Keith’s lips were on Lance’s in less than a second and Lance was absolutely loving it. He’d kissed people before and he’d been kissed by people before, too, but nothing was as good as this. It was gross, rough, and messy and they were all over each other within seconds, but to Lance it was absolutely perfect. It was, like, a thousand times better than how Lance imagined it being.

 

Things escalated quickly from there. Lance pulled away from the Keith and ignored the thin strand of spit hanging from both of their lips as he tugged at the man’s shirt to urge him to take it off. And, of course, Keith did exactly that. Lance took a few moments to marvel at Keith's chest—not that he hadn't seen it before, he just couldn't believe he was seeing it in _this_ context. Keith didn’t let Lance stare for long though, he pulled Lance just a little bit closer to him before making out with him some more. Lance could feel Keith's hands slipping under his shirt and blindly exploring the crevices of his chest as Lance did the same, but slightly less blindly.

 

Lance pulled away a second time, this time to take off his own shirt. As soon as it was off, Lance was kissing Keith again. This time, though, the kisses trailed from Keith's lips and down his neck and torso before stopping just above his belly button. He left a few hickeys here and there, how could he not? Judging by the grunts and groans Lance would hear periodically, Keith was obviously enjoying it. That thought gave Lance a sense of pride. He was really out here, leaving hickeys on _the_ Keith Kogane… and Keith _liked_ it.

 

Lance pulled back, trailing his fingers gingerly along the hem of Keith’s sweats. He could see Keith’s erection through the fabric and Lance wanted nothing more than to suck his dick. Being a man of honor, Lance refused to do anything without getting consent from Keith; so he looked up at Keith, who was looking at him through hooded eyes, and asked in a quiet voice, “Can I?” He ghosted his palm over Keith's dick, just in case the dumbass didn’t understand what Lance meant, and he felt him tense up just a tiny bit. When Keith nodded, Lance wasted no time getting his sweatpants off.

 

Apparently Keith had been expecting something like this to happen because where Lance had been expecting to see underwear he saw none. He would have teased Keith for it but he was too busy marveling over the dude’s dick. Pidge wasn’t wrong when she said Keith had big dick energy, he had to be _at least_ ten inches.

 

Carefully, Lance took Keith’s dick in his hand and slowly began pumping the shaft. As he did so, he moved to press kisses along Keith's chest and torso. Keith cupped Lance’s jaw in his hand, stopping him from kissing his torso, bringing their lips together instead and Lance very gladly returned the kissing.

 

Lance broke the kiss, basking in Keith's voice as he groaned out a low, “Fuck, Lance.” Keith sounded hot—just about as hot as he looked. He bucked his hips into Lance’s hand and Lance interpreted it as him needing to get the show on the road. He let go of Keith's dick, merely thumbing the tip and eliciting more grunts and groans from the man before sinking down to his knees and positioning himself between Keith’s thicc thighs.

 

Lance found himself looking up at Keith for probably the thousandth time, once again wishing he could take a photo of the expression on the man’s face. He grinned up at him before dipping his head down and lightly kissing up the base of Keith’s dick. As soon as he’d reached the tip, Lance finally wrapped his lips around Keith’s cock. Lance could taste the precum on Keith’s slit–well, he would have been able to if it had a taste, at least. Slowly, Lance began bobbing his head up and down the other man’s length, his movements exponentially getting faster as he sucked Keith off.

 

Being the deepthroat king he was, Lance could easily–not easily, but without too much difficulty–take on the entirety of Keith’s dick. Was it a little hard? Yes. Was it worth it to hear Keith’s the barely comprehensible groans and feel him tugging on Lance’s hair? Definitely. Lance’s hands had found their way to Keith’s thighs and he squeezed them in hopes of getting Keith to start moving them. To Lance’s pleasure, Keith must’ve understood what he was getting at because not long after he began rocking his hips in time with Lance. It hurt a little, considering he was quite literally choking on Keith’s cock, but it also felt better than he could have ever imagined.

 

Eventually, Keith came while letting out a very loud, unexpected moan and a series of what sounded like Lance’s name mixed with various swear words. Lance swallowed as much of Keith’s cum as he could before coming off of his dick with a vulgar _pop!_ and grinning at the man.

 

“Shit, Lance, I–” Keith began through a rather worn out groan. He was cut off, though, by Lance kissing him once more. He didn’t allow the kiss to last long though, pulling away after a few seconds. He hadn’t noticed it before, but he felt a dull ache in his chest. He figured it was just soreness from having given the most mega succ of his life, but decided that it’d be best not to let anything advance any further just in case there really was something wrong with him.

 

“I should probably get going,” Lance told Keith through a raspy voice.

 

“Are you sure?” Keith asked, reaching to tug at the hem of Lance’s pants.

 

Much to his own dismay, and probably Keith’s too, Lance nodded. “It’s getting late,” he told him, “and we both have class in the morning. I don’t wanna be the reason you end up being late or something.”

 

When Keith frowned in response, Lance leaned forward and pressed a kiss–one that was soft and sweet rather than gross and aggressive–to Keith’s lips. “Text me when you get home?” Keith requested, and Lance couldn’t help but smile.

 

“Of course,” he assured him before grabbing his shirt and putting it on. “I’ll see you, Keith,” he said before leaving the man’s apartment.

  


The entire drive home, Lance was ecstatic. He had just gone to Keith’s apartment and not only did they make out, but Lance somehow managed to _suck his dick_. He was disappointed, though, because leaving earlier than he would have liked meant that Lance had a hard-on that had yet to be dealt with. And so, when Lance got back to his apartment, the first thing he did was call Keith.

 

Keith answered the call after the first ring and greeted Lance with, “Lance? Hey.” Lance could hear the smile in Keith’s voice.

 

Lance didn’t have the patience for greetings or casual conversation, though. He’d rather get straight to the point. “I’m hard,” he told Keith and when he heard Keith laugh through the speaker, Lance rolled his eyes and let out a huff, not bothering to feel embarrassed like any normal person would. The pain in his chest that he’d felt back at Keith’s had been forgotten.

 

“You called to tell me that?” Keith asked, quite obviously biting back a laugh.

 

“Well, yeah, I mean… it’s _your_  fault.”

 

“No, it’s your fault. I would have sucked you off too if you hadn’t left right away.”

 

“Okay, well, I don’t want you to suck my dick right now. I want you to talk me through an orgasm?” Keith didn’t care about hiding his laughter that time, much to Lance’s annoyance. “Hey! Don’t laugh at me!”

 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry! No one’s ever asked me to do that before, that's all!”

 

“Yeah, yeah. Look, you don’t have to if you don’t want to, it’d just be a nice gesture after I took time out of my night to choke on your dick.”

 

“Fine, but you have to switch to facetime.”

 

“Faceti—why!?”

 

“So I can see you?”

 

“That's weird.”

 

“Oh, _that’s_ weird?”

 

“Okay, yeah, fair point.”

 

And thus, Lance switched the call to facetime and spent the remainder of his night being absolutely disgusting by jerking off over the call with Keith and successfully ignoring the weird pain in his chest.

 

Albeit having forgotten about the pain, it hadn’t gone away. When the call ended between Keith and Lance, Lance took a quick shower before getting into bed. The pain wasn’t bad, it was tolerable enough for him to fall asleep. The most he could do was hope it’d be gone in the morning. However, knowing Lance’s luck, that was unlikely to be the case.

  


It, in fact, was not the case. When Lance woke up to his blaring alarm the following morning, he felt dead. Not dead dead, but as if he should be dead considering his chest felt like it had been stabbed numerous times. Lance groaned, and when he sat up he had some trouble breathing. Being the dramatic person Lance was, he decided if he went to school he’d probably die in the middle of a lecture and flunk out of college which meant that he needed to get to the hospital ASAP. So, he called Hunk.

 

“Why are you calling me so early?” Hunk said groggily when he answered the phone. “Shouldn’t you be getting ready for class?”

 

Lance could tell he’d woken Hunk up, but he didn’t care; his life was on the line. “I think I’m dying?” He told Hunk.

 

“And you called to tell me that? I’m literally in the room right next to your’s, Lance.” Hunk had told him.

 

“Yeah, but you probably would have ignored me.”

 

“And I’m still going to ignore you, I’m tired.”

 

“No! Hunk, please, there really is something wrong with me? Like, my chest hurts _really_ bad and I think I should go to the hospital.”

 

“Can’t you get an uber or something?”

 

“If you take me it’ll be faster!” Hunk sighed, and Lance took that as a sign of his friend debating what to do. So, in hopes of not having to die in an uber car, Lance added a very desperate, “Please, Hunk?”

 

“Fine, but I'm not carrying you to my car,” Hunk said. “I’ll be ready in like ten minutes. Just let me get dressed.”

 

“Yes! Thank you so much, I love you!” Lance cheered, hanging up the call before getting out of bed a little too fast for his body’s liking. His chest seized up and for a few seconds he could barely even breathe at all. Maybe this was it, maybe this was the day Lance McClain died.

 

But it wasn’t. He sat down for a minute or two and the pain subsided to how it had been when he woke up—incredibly painful, but not quite as suffocating.

 

Once he and Hunk were in the car and on their way to the hospital, Hunk began questioning Lance as to why he was supposedly dying. “What happened to your chest?” He asked.

 

Lance shrugged, trying to think back to what could have made him feel as horrible as he did. “I don’t know,” was the only answer he could come up with.

 

“I bet you sucked Keith’s dick too hard or something,” Hunk snickered.

 

Lance pouted. “Oh, come on! That doesn’t even make sense!” He argued, not wanting to mention that the possibility of that being the case had crossed his mind.

 

Hunk shrugged and when they pulled into the ER parking lot, he turned to Lance. “Do you want me to stay with you?”

 

Lance shook his head, “You don’t have to, but will you come with me to check in and stuff? In case I die?”

 

“Quit being so dramatic, stupid.” Was all Hunk said in reply, which meant yes.

 

When Lance had checked in and been admitted into a room, Hunk yeeted. He was lead to a hospital room and changed into a hospital gown, which was totally not fashionable.

  


When the doctor, a very cheery redheaded man with an accent and a handlebar mustache who Lance could have sworn he’d seen before and went by the name of Dr. Coran, came in, he sat down next to the hospital bed Lance was lying on and asked him what the problem was.

 

“Well last night I was coming home from… hanging out with a friend when I felt this soreness in my chest. I forgot about it and fell asleep but when I woke up this morning it was really bad and I was having a hard time breathing.” Lance informed him, carefully avoiding the topic of dick sucking.

 

Coran nodded and wrote stuff on a clipboard. “Right! Do you have any idea how the pain started?”

 

Lance shook his head. “I don’t know,” he answered, like a liar.

 

Doctors must take a class on lying, because apparently Dr. Coran wasn’t buying it. “Are you sure? What were you doing with your, ah, friend?” He had asked.

 

Lance frowned and decided that he was probably supposed to be truthful to doctors. Besides, he couldn’t tell anyone about it right? Patient confidentiality was a thing, he surely wasn’t gonna go make fun of Lance to the other hospital workers! Anyway, he decided to come clean. “Uh, well, I was kinda like… sucking his… you know? Uh and it was really big?” Lance mumbled, feeling his face heat up to what felt like 128 degrees. “I choked on it... but like the PornHub actors choke on it all the time so I thought it was normal? But now I know that it’s not in my situation...” Lance closed his eyes in defeat.

 

Coran chuckled and nodded, “Alright, well that's all I needed to know!” He got up and made his way to the door,“Your nurse will be in to take a few tests on you in a few moments, try not to choke on anything before then!”

 

Lance gaped at the doctor as he left and when he was gone, Lance did one of those upset pout-y sighs people do when they're angry because he was angry. He could not believe the doctor would tease him for the situation he was in. If Lance was a rich way-too-privileged kid and not a first-generation Cuban-American he’d sue the hospital for bullying him.

  


After the nurse came in and ran tests and vitals and all the smart medical stuff that uneducated incoming high school juniors and soap operas can’t comprehend, Coran returned.

 

“Well Lance, the results are in,” he said, sounding as if he were the host of a game show.

 

“Did I win something?” Lance asked.

 

“Yes! A tracheobronchial rupture.” Coran answered excitedly.

 

“Is that a good thing?”

 

“No.”

 

“What?”

 

“The airway in your throat was ruptured. Probably as a result of… how did you put it? ‘Sucking his… you know.’”

 

Lance frowned. He was getting really sick of this doctor.

 

“We’re going to have to do a quick surgery to fix it, but seeing as it’s so minor it shouldn't take long. Once we’re finished with that you should be recovered, but you’ll have to stay overnight so we can monitor it and make sure nothing happens.” Coran told him and it was in that moment Lance realized that he should have let himself die. The hospital bill was probably going to be a bitch.

  


They went on with the surgery and it went well, Lance didn’t die. When it was over, Hunk had come back.

 

“Hey buddy,” he had greeted. “How are you feeling?”

 

Lance sighed, noticing that he was suddenly hooked up to a nasal cannula and all those other hospital things. He also noticed that the pain in his chest had abated almost completely. “Better. A lot better,” Lance told him.

 

“That's good,” Hunk hummed. “Keith asked about you.”

 

Lance gasped, “What? When? What’d he say?”

 

“He asked why you weren’t class this morning and if you were okay. He also asked if I knew why you hadn't texted him back.” Hunk shrugged, “I told him you were in the hospital and that you probably left your phone at home. You did, by the way. Here.” He tossed Lance’s phone to him.

 

The first thing Lance did when he got his phone was open his texts with Keith. He’d only sent him three messages throughout the day, but they were enough to make Lance’s heart flutter.

 

_Hey_ , the first one had read. It had been sent early in the morning, probably moments after Lance and Hunk had left for the hospital. The other two were even more flattering.

 

_Where are you?_

 

_Never mind, I ran into Hunk and he told me you were in the hospital ?? Are you alright?_

 

The texts made Lance smile. He sent a reply to Keith reassuring him that he was fine before looking up at Hunk, who rolled his eyes. “He’s _so_  sweet, Hunk,” Lance mused.

 

“Yeah, and you’re _so_ dumb,” Hunk replied mockingly. When Lance merely scoffed in response, Hunk got up from where he’d been sitting. “I’m going to go to the vending machines, do you want anything?”

 

Lance shook his head, “No thanks, I don’t want to risk dying.” That made Hunk roll his eyes again. Lance had a feeling that if he kept that up, he’d probably end up blind from overworking his eye muscles or something.

 

When Hunk had gone, Lance opened up his SnapChat and took a photo of himself, captioning it with _dick sent me to the ER_  before not only putting it on his story, but also sending it out as his streaks. Feeling as though more people needed to know about what he’d gone through, Lance saved the photo and opened Twitter, where he shared the picture and a more detailed account of the story.

 

**_LanceyLance_ ** _@lance_thetailor_mcclain_

_excuse the bad angle but remember when i sucked a hulk sized dick and ended up in the ER afterwards lmfao never forget_

 

He smiled to himself, rightfully proud of his tweet until he remembered the Keith was one of his Twitter mutuals. In a matter of seconds, he was consumed in panic. He didn’t mind the snap being sent to Keith, or anyone else seeing his tweet, but Keith seeing the tweet was the equivalent of his mom walking in on him talking to a middle-aged naked man on Omegle when he was thirteen like James Charles. Yikes!

 

When he reopened Twitter to delete the tweet, he saw that Pidge had wasted no time responding to the post and Hunk had liked Pidge’s response! Where even was Hunk? Never mind, that wasn’t important. What was important was that Keith had probably already seen the tweet and Pidge was slandering him. Her very rude response read:

 

**_Gremlin_ ** _@pidgeonholt_

_lol ur throat game must be extra week…_

 

Lance couldn’t believe it. He couldn’t believe how offensive Pidge was being. He forgot about Keith seeing the tweet, now only focusing on proving Pidge wrong. He quoted her reply and respectfully explained that his throat game was, in fact, not extra week.

 

**_LanceyLance_ ** _@lance_thetailor_mcclain_

_its actually STRONG cause the dude was a whole ten inches, took the whole thing down my throat multiple times, but his dick ruptured an airway and cause loose air to leak into my neck, chest, and underarms_

 

**_LanceyLance*_ ** _@lance_thetailor_mcclain_

_AND i finished him off so next_

 

Lance grumbled angrily to himself about Pidge, deciding not to delete his tweet and turning off his phone. He expected to see Hunk when he looked up, but he was bamboozled. Hunk was still nowhere to be found. To Lance’s surprise, though, Keith was there, sitting where Hunk has been minutes prior.

 

“Hey,” Keith greeted in the same way he did the night before.

 

“Uh… hey?” Lance offered in return. He frowned to himself, angry that his tone sounded a lot less happy than it should have been. He wasn’t upset, just confused. When had Keith gotten there? Was Lance seeing things because of the theory? Oh well, He’d rather go crazy than have to deal with Coran even more.

 

If Keith noticed Lance’s tone, he didn’t mention it. Instead he raised his eyebrows at Lance and disproved Lance’s theory that he was a hallucination by asking, “What happened to you? You seemed fine last night.”

 

“Uhh, yeah...” Lance mumbled. He didn’t want to explain that Keith’s dick was what sent him to the hospital. So, he told Keith, “I got a really bad case of Fugma this morning.”

 

“Fugma? What's that?”

 

“Fugma ass!”

 

“Okay, but I think I should take you out to dinner for real before that.”

 

“What?”

 

Keith didn’t bother elaborating—not that he needed to, but Lance would take joy in it if he did. Instead Keith urged, “No but for real, what happened to you?”

 

Lance thought for a moment, trying to decide whether or not he should tell Keith what happened. Instead of explaining it, he decided on stupidly saying, “Oh, you didn’t didn’t my tweet? That’s a relief.”

 

That wasn’t a bright idea though; not only did it prompt further question, it also had Keith pulling out his phone to probably check Twitter. “What do you mean? What’d you tweet??” Keith had asked, his focus now on his phone.

 

“No, wait! Don’t do that!” Lance pleaded, weakly reaching for Keith as if he’d be able to put up a fight.

 

“Why not?”

 

“It’s embarrassing?”

 

“How?”

 

“Well, Keith, I don’t want you to take any offense to this but I guess _you_ technically are what got me here.”

 

Keith furrowed his eyebrows, looking at Lance as if he’d just said the dumbest shit ever. Lance was pretty used to Keith looking at him like that, but this time it made Lance feel small and sheepish. “Me?” Keith asked incredulously, “How? Was last night _that_ bad?”

 

“No! No it was great! It’s just that…,” Lance wasn’t a crusty koreaboo but he suddenly wished he had Yang Jeongin from Stray Kids’ ability to disappear through walls. “When I was sucking you off last night… the airway in my throat kinda got ruptured…?”

 

As soon as Lance finished his sentence, Keith started laughing. Laughing! Lance pouted, but before he could whine about how _rude_ Keith was doing, he apologized. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, it’s just… I didn’t know that was possible?”

 

“It is, obviously! I thought I was going to die!” Lance cried, throwing his hands into the air for emphasis. “I literally choked on your dick!”

 

Keith rolled his eyes, just like Hunk had been doing before he disappeared. “Don’t be overdramatic, you’re fine.”

 

“Nuh uh! I had to go into surgery! It was life or death, Keith.”

 

Keith sighed, “Fine, Lance. I am _so_ sorry for almost killing you by letting you give me head. How ever could I make it up to you?”

 

Lance grinned, happy with Keith’s response. “I dunno, man. My morning was pretty rough because of you.”

 

“Don’t act coy, Lance. You wouldn’t have such a dumb look on your face if you didn’t want something from me.”

 

“Wow! That was totally uncalled for!”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“Anyway, you can make it up to me on Friday night by taking me out on a date.”

 

“Oh? I mean, I guess I can suffer a few hours of hanging out with you if it means you’ll forgive me for almost murdering you. And then maybe I’ll be able to Fugma your ass.”

 

Lance snickered, “Fugma my ass?”

 

“Yeah, Fugma your ass.”

  


Keith did indeed Fugma Lance’s ass on Friday night, after a very nice and romantic dinner date at a cheap restaurant because Keith was in college and couldn’t afford anything. Keith made sure to go gentle on Lance, just so that he could avoid rupturing Lance’s pelvis; Lance did not appreciate it (be he also did). After a few more dates and even more hook-ups, Keith and Lance officially became boyfriends. Pidge won a bet against Shiro, Keith’s brother, and Hunk for betting that Lance would ask Keith to be his boyfriend first. Lance got mega clout, good and bad, on Twitter for his retelling of how he'd been sent to the ER; he loved the attention. Sometimes people would even recognize him in public! It was, as Lance would put it, lit. Keith, Lance, and all of their loser friends (even the airway in Lance's throat} lived a happily ever after. ~~But not really because life ain't about that mushy shit.~~ The end.

**Author's Note:**

> yes i hope u guys enjoyed!! this was my first time writing an actual fic?? (even though its really still a crackfic lol)
> 
> sorry if its garbage and dumb i kinda stopped.... caring.... after a week... and also sorry if u cringed at the part i regret adding i think i was half asleep when i wrote it jinkies... but n e way! 
> 
> if u enjoyed feel free 2 comment and all that stuf AND feel free 2 follow me on instagram @pjyhhj :D u can even... talk 2 me if u want... because i am desperate for a friend... 
> 
> OK thats all thannsk for reading and i hope u enjoyed!! have a good day lol


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